It's Been a While .... update

Well since I last chatted, I was going threw a hard time. It was tough to get back on my feet. From then to now, I have adopted the silliest 6 year old cat ever. She keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh a lot. I have a hard time adjusting to her daily waking up calls of wanting to be feed. She also hasn't adjusted to the noises in the house as well as my clumsiness. She's a nervous Nelly and she's sweet.

We bought a new living-room set. It's officially my favorite place to sit and type this to you, watch a movie or play the Wii or just having a cup of tea or hot chocolate and chatting with mum. It's quite cozy.

I started the PAB course. I would say it's the official course since it's recognized by the Quebec government. I've finished the theory, gained some new hilarious and fun friends and we're all on our 2 stage now. I'll be finished before Christmas. I plan to work most of new year, and take some night courses to update some things and once I have worked everything out go back to school and come out an RN (Registered Nurse). This is my backup plan.

My current plan as always has been to succeed in the Movie Industry. I have a review that needs to be filmed on a product. That should be up and ready by the end of this November month. I plan to finish the Profile script and sell it. I also have some skits that need to be edited and a Promo for my cousins wedding and final cut.

Helping me stay on track and with the hard times are my 6 boys on my Sunday visits. Their mom and I do things like have Wii (which is the only thing they want to do). We did crafts 2 weeks ago and went out trick-or-treating last weekend. I love them so much. The hardest part of the course I'm in was verbalizing what I want done after my death and my goodbye letter to everybody. They are my weekly pick-me-up.

I'm in the market looking for my guy and taking applications. There were a few that have caught my eye. However, I'm not giving them the my time, since they seem to have the word "player" posted all over each one and some are too shallow and it's not worth it. I'm not exactly sure how it's going to roll out but I will enjoy the road to get there.

Once I purchase it a Cardio DVD set I want called 10 Minute trainer by Tony Horton. I plan on writing journals maybe even YouTube it of my challenges and the process of getting into shape. I think it's the best idea since my normal stress reliever is driving my car with the music blasting. For those of you who don't know or have forgotten, I had to scrap my Baby girl in Dec 2009. She wasn't working properly and she was starting to cost a lot to keep her. I donated her to the Kidney foundation. I'm still trying to sell her winter tires. With that I have had to find another way to relieve the tension, toxins and stress. At the moment I'm using music to help but exercise will work a lot better.

My first stage, which was a Mental Health stage, dealing with aggressive behaviors and Mental Health Issues, started off really rough. The lady was so tough I broke down one day. On my way home, I promised I wouldn't let it happen again. I had the meaning lady on the floor and the girls in my group, noticed the boys were being favored. Now, the teacher seems to be picking on my friend. It's turning into a weird experience. Next one that starts on Monday is basic care. We'll see how that goes. I am disappointed that we don't get a Hospital (Acute Care) experience.

Extra plus side, I'll be helping to plan a Christmas dinner with my Cousin. I miss her so much. I'm glad that we stay in touch. I hope we always do. Also NKOTB (New Kids On The Block) will be sharing the stage with BSB (Backstreet Boys). I'm looking forward to that concert. I'm hoping it'll be towards the mid to end of 2011 so that I can save enough money to go see them in BC with my cousin. We had a blast at the NKOTB concert. It'll be a 4 for the price of 1 experience. Seeing my cousins place and new lifestyle, vacationing, seeing BSB and NKOTB and going to BC which I have not been yet. I'm so pumped and excited for it.

That's all for now, I'll try not to let such a lapse happen before I write again.

Take care everyone.

Let The Sunshine In

After 2 crazy months of what I would say was hell.  I call it that since moving away from Steve, 7 years ago, life a had a perfect uphill route.  I had my cat, which was my baby boy, a job that I was just starting and was going to start having a love life.  Even after the love life came ripping down, I bounced back very quickly.   Went back to school and starting working with Senior Residences with my mom in Saint-Hubert.

From there, we were on cloud nine for a while.  Paying of debts off that had been lingering, saving up money for another car.  Life was fabulous.  The little bullets that hit us until Dec 2009 were low blows.  From being scammed, car repairs, having our salaries reduced, going on unemployment for about a year and more car repairs were little nothings, looking back at them all now.  Those little blows, never prepared me for the last 2 months.  The first strike was having to scrap my car.

It was painful on 3 levels.  1-Fond memories and she was mine,  2- the great lifestyle of up a go, whenever wherever, no need to really plan around the STM transportation system.  Especially since, most of the out and about that I did, where usually either really far away or really late at night.  The people it allowed me to help out, go see and stay in touch with. Lastly, 3- She was my stress reliever.  At any point in time,  when I was stressing, I would get into the car, pump the sound up, and just drive, sometimes for hours.  It was amazing how therapeutic it was for me.  Then the dryer broke down again.  I’m not sure of the problem.  It isn’t that big of deal since we have found away around it. After I had gotten over that, which was simple, I kept thinking of how much good my car has done for the Kidney Foundation Canada, I donated it to them to scrap it for me.  I thought it was just about a matter of time before the universe would bring me a pick up.  It did.  I started working at Best Buy. 

About a few days in,  I realized I had lost the love I had once of being a cashier.  To the point that I despised it.  I would recommend anyone going to school, who loves electronics to apply at Best Buy.  Or if you have a very low budget.  Otherwise, forget it.  I can’t complain that much about Best Buy, from their concept of team work, jokes, the employees’ room and the pay, it wasn’t that bad. I was use to a higher pay and it was harder paying off the bills that month, as I usual do.  It helped to have our first ever, since Steve, family gathering, with the help of those that helped pay for things.  A good Christmas. After being fired, which was my delight, I wasn’t at all prepared for the month of January 2010.  Looking back,   being fired was the best solution.  There was no way I could have been in the condition to work.

January started off with a bang, the family gathering.  Those that came, little did they know, would be the last time we see my aunt Diane. As far as I was told, and could tell, everyone had gifts to bring home, and everyone had fun.  Three days later, my aunt went in to the hospital.  She never checked out.  The nurses keep my aunt on life support until her daughter Dawn, could get into town from Manitoba.  With her flights constantly being delayed.  She didn’t make in until early Wednesday morning.  Even in death, my aunt was giving.  She donated all her vital organs to those that needed.  That week, was mostly dedicated to my Aunt, as it should be.  From the funeral, wake and then the burial days after.  With very little sleep that we for all of us, that week somehow flew by.  Things seemed to be on a slow rise to the better, after aunt Diane was peacefully resting in her grave in D.D.O.

Until last week, I was awaken abruptly by my cat, having trouble breathing.  Filled with fear and panic, we rushed to find a way to get him to the vet as fast as we could.  By the time we had gotten him there, it was already to late.  I was already a wreck, when the chilling words, we have to put him down, came out of the Vets’ mouth.  I lost all sensation and luckily had a bench to break my fall.  I, already scared to watch someone who matters so much to me go from breathing to not breathing, it broke my heart, that I couldn’t be there in the room with him.  I’m glad that my mom was at least there.  He was what I assumed it would be like to have a son.  I was so proud of who he had become and how intelligent he was.  That was the worst day of my life.  After all this, I was at an all-time low. Already, discouraged from loosing 2 loved-ones, a car and struggling with my current life realities: how I got here and where it was heading to, my finances and my mum.

A few days after mourning the lost of my recent life experience, Squirt, I receive a phone call about a job interview.  As they began to tell the details of where to go, time and such,  I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Finally, I thought to myself.

My current plan, that I had made about a few weeks prior, was my back up plan.  While working the movie Production Business.  I needed a back up plan.  Staying as a PAB, I knew it was only going to get me so far. After talking to Emploi-Quebec, the decision was to go back to school to retake the PAB course.  It sounds weird but in order for me to be able to get into government facilities.  I needed a course of at least 280 hours in some cases.  Where as I have 105 hours course on my CV.  From there, I could go back to school and work part-time to become a Registered Nurse.  This work job would enable me to cut out retaking the course, which is a course of 6 to 8 months.  By getting this job, I can use the time that I would have been in the course for to save up money for school, as well as paying off my affairs, and maybe get another used but newer car. Instead of going into school already in debt and many unpaid bills, covered by more debt due to school loans and such.

So here, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Hoping it gets brighter. As I await to see how they analyzed my first interview, which was to see how well everyone works as a team, and see our personalities and how they would get along with their current staff. As I waited for them to let me know of the outcome, my mom and I, yesterday (the 1st of February) adopted a 6 year old female kitty.  Her name is Misty.  She once belonged to my mom’s friend’s mother.  Who then gave it to her daughter, Bev, and now, she is slowly adjusting to our home.  I can tell my mom already loves her, and it’s not because she has called her Squirty several times.  Misty is just so affectionate and loves to be petted.

Today, the 2nd, after getting home late last night and keeping a watchful eye on Misty. She is taking the transition pretty well. I noticed there was a message on the answering machine.  When I heard it, it was the guy from my interview telling me to call him back.  He didn’t leave much more of a message than that.  So I’m awaiting for 10 am to come up to give a call and find out what’s what.  My fingers are crossed hoping, praying and talking to the LOA for this to be my next step to getting the job.  I believe there are 5 steps and I can’t help but think and feel what the American Idols feel when they await to see if they have won the chance to the next audition.

So I’m hoping the sun will shine in from the other end of the tunnel.  I await as you do, for the next good thing that happens.  Even though there are still times, I catch myself crying over my lost, I know that my aunt wouldn’t want me to look back since her finally words to me  were, “… since I have to go, have fun for me ...”  I’m not sure what Squirt would have wanted, because I never understood a word he said.  However, I did understand certain tones in the meows meant things like, I’m happy, hungry, in pain, I’m angry.  I’m sure he knew how much I loved him,  Judging by what everyone else has told me, that they knew I would take it really hard.  I know he’s no longer in pain anymore,  and I hope he’s watching over me and is happy. Heck, may be he’s with Mittens and she is showing him the ropes on how things work where they are.

With that said, I need a tissue, I’m signing off until the next blog,

All the best.

R.I.P Mittens – Introduction to “My Little Man”

 

On October 31st, 1998, as my friends and I were getting ready to go trick-or-treating, one of my mom’s good friends came over, her name is Nicky.  With her, she brought 2 little bundles of joys, in hopes I would take one.

I believe that my mom knew that I was still grieving from the death of my cat, Mittens. Which is why she agreed to letting me keep both of them. We had a special bond, Mittens and I, even though, my mom was the one that trained her. I believe within her head, I was her baby.  It makes sense, I got her for my 2nd birthday.

It was suppose to be a surprise birthday gift from my Uncle.  My cousins ruined that surprise when I went to visit them, they at that time, lived across the street from us, I believe it was after school. I would stay with my Godparents and cousins until my mom would come pick me up. They were so happy for me; they thought I had already received her as my gift. They knew for my birthday I wanted a cat.  To their surprise, I had not yet received my birthday gift.  After finding out, I was so delighted, I got them in a ton of trouble as I couldn’t hold the excitement inside after finding out, I had my very own kitten. As well as, where was it hidden? When was I was going to get her?

I don’t remember much of those years but I remember a few things about her. She was very loving. She was my best friend and I would talk to her about my deepest darkest secrets as well as how my day went. I think, she thought, she was part human.  Maybe, that we were part cat?  She could be anywhere in the house and could sense when I was sad, lonely or angry. When she sensed this, she would come running and spend whatever time it took till I felt better.  During this time, she would snuggle with me until I would stop feeling sad, angry or lonely.

She was very protective of me. I remember moments when she would growl, while I was trying to sleep, at the people coming over. The most memorial moment, was when my cousins from across the street were over. The 3 of us were at the other end of the apartment, checking out my cat's kittens. We mimicked the kittens cries. We did it for such a long time that we pissed her off. She then became so violent, it scared the crap out of us. We all got up and went ran down the hallway in fear of our lives. We were so scarred of this cat that was not only much smaller than us but had no claws. It took a while, but she slowly came around and forgave me. After about 6 weeks, she got over it totally and I became her kitten, again. I still have some footage of her and use to have many pictures but since moving, I lost about 75% of the pictures that were taken. However, I do have a picture I drew of her after she past on, in her loving memory.  Drawing her helped with moving on.

I'll never forget the day; Mittens died. It was early that month of October of 1998. I had come home from a day fat High School. I’m unsure of how that day went; when I got home, I sensed something different in the air. I think even my mom knew. She had bought my about 6 of my favourite magazines and had given them to me to cheer me up. Which is what she only did when I was feeling down or depressed.
It was after supper, I was looking through the magazines. Mittens was acting out of character. My mom’s ex-husband and our dog were sitting watching TV. Mittens went to them first. Simba, the dog, and Mittens never really got along.  In this moment,  what they shared, was like saying goodbye, by rubbing their noses together. Next, the ex, he petted her. Afterwards, she came to my mom and I.  We were both sitting in the dinning room at the table checking out the magazines. She went to see my mom, she lied on my mom's pages as normal. My mom petted her a few times and she made her way to me. As she headed towards me, I sensed something was wrong with her, I just didn’t know what. Halfway across the table, I started petting her.  She sat and a certain length of time.  She got back up. She then headed towards the edge of the table to go back on the floor. Only it was too late, somewhere within that jump and attempt to jump, she had a heart attack. Usually, she lands on her feet but not this time. She landed on her back. As I saw her laying there, I screamed because she didn’t move. After that, everything gets hazy. I remember my fear of death, I couldn’t push myself to touch her and say a final goodbye.
From that point, I’m not quite sure, I remember gaps. I remember searching for the phone book to get a Vet that was open at that hour. I remember my mom held her in her arms, they went to the Vet at night. I don’t know how long they were gone but it felt like several hours. When they came home, they came home without her, it was then that it hit really hard.   Even those while she was just laying there; I guess, I didn’t want to believe it.  I think a part of me did know that she was gone.
The next day was a school day, I refused to go. I was so hurt inside to want to deal with other people at that moment. My mom told me I should. I forced myself to go to school.  All cried out with red blood shot eyes that were so itchy, I walked to school, hoping the redness and itchiness would go away. My friends knew something was up.  I didn’t want to talk about it.  It wasn’t until really close to lunch I broke down and I cried several times the remainder of that day, God bless, the people that were there during those times. It was a hard to get through.
I think my mom saw how hard it was for me, I grieved for about 2 weeks straight. Then Halloween night came along.

…. to continue this blog, please read “My Little Man” …