My Physical Science Research - Nuclear Decommissioning of old Nuclear Plants

I worked so freaking hard on this that I wanted to blog is before having to delete it from Julie's Laptop

INTRODUCTION

Before understanding about decommissioning, we need to understand how Nuclear Power plants get their power to generate electric energy to its clients, us. Atomic Energy of Canada Limited (AECL) explains it like this, “Simply put, a nuclear reactor is a device, which produces heat. In a nuclear power station, the reactor performs the same work as a boiler in a coal, gas or oil-fired station. Heat is required to turn water into steam. This steam spins large turbines, which in turn drive the generators that produce electricity. There are different kinds of nuclear reactors, but they all operate on the same basic principle. A nuclear reactor produces heat by splitting uranium atoms. This process is called a "nuclear reaction, or fission” - https://canteach.candu.org/Info/Documents/CANDU%20-%20How%20a%20Reactor%20Works.pdf

In the phase of decommissioning, it is just a fancy way of stating the Nuclear power plant is being closed down. In this process there are 3 options, according to the US NRC (United States Nuclear Regulatory Commission); “... DECON, SAFSTOR, or ENTOMB.

Under DECON (immediate dismantlement), soon after the nuclear facility closes, equipment, structures, and portions of the facility containing radioactive contaminants are removed or decontaminated to a level that permits release of the property and termination of the NRC license.

Under SAFSTOR, often considered “delayed DECON,” a nuclear facility is maintained and monitored in a condition that allows the radioactivity to decay; afterwards, it is dismantled and the property decontaminated.

Under ENTOMB, radioactive contaminants are permanently encased on site in structurally sound material such as concrete and appropriately maintained and monitored until the radioactivity decays to a level permitting restricted release of the property. To date, no NRC-licensed facilities have requested this option.” - http://www.nrc.gov/reading-rm/doc-collections/fact-sheets/decommissioning.html

INTEREST

As a consumer, we are broadly taught about how the nuclear power plants stations give us power and a bit on how they work. I’m really interested in the how and why, decommissioning of a nuclear power plant would be closed down other than a serious problem(s) arising. I have never heard of a Hydro-Electric plant being closed or having serious problems other then the weather cutting off our electricity. Those it’s not the fault of hydro’s damns and more of the cable lines. As I review the topics of choice, when I saw the topic “Nuclear Decommissioning of Old Nuclear Plants” my interest dove into it and want to know more about it.

IN PHYSICAL SCIENCE CLASS

In class, we are taught the details almost everything that is needed know about decommissioning and how they work just without even knowing it. Everything we learnt, dealt with the nucleus and the power inside it, starting by giving us a background of history on how we obtained today’s knowledge. The nucleus of an atom is very interesting topic. There is so much power in there that I didn’t even know. When the nucleus is split (creates fission by bombarding the nucleus with neutrons) or if two light nuclei are mixed (creates fusion by forming a heavier atom), they both release energy. Although fusion create much more energy than fission can. This is your basic start of the formula to create bombs; all you need is the right elements. We can’t forget isotopes. I think this is where it all begins really; they are an element with more neutrons in its nucleus than its stable atom is an isotope of the particular atom. Isotopes are even more reactive than normal atoms. Isotopes of certain elements decay; as they decay they go through a transformation process where they lose some their energy and they do this until they are in a stable state. It sounds like nothing but this violent change is the cause of radioactivity. The radiation comes in 3 forms; alpha and beta not as penetrating and gamma, which is very penetrable. Causing severe illness, cancer and can kills the environment. While these isotopes are going through these intense changes it releases an incredible amount of energy. This energy is hardness and converts to the electricity by none other than these Nuclear Power plants. We also learnt about half-life. This is the rate it takes for a radioactive substance to disintegrate, some from a few seconds to billions of years. This information is important because dealing with decommissioning of nuclear plants they have a lot of nuclear waste and radioactive substances that need to be carefully disposed of in cement containers.

We study how there are advantages, two of which, I will state below and disadvantage, I will also state underneath. After the fuel bundles are in the reactor they are radioactive. We learnt about radioactive things can ionize matter. And have a penetration level. The radioactive substance in the reactors can be covered in concrete since it can penetrate through it after a certain thickness. We learn that eventually they will decay but some have a longer half-life than other elements.

I have discovered that Nuclear Power plants are widely used around the world. These plants are becoming more popular. As popular and safe as these power sources seem. When everything is working fine, everything is great; however, if something does go wrong, more specifically in the reactor, very serious and dangerous consequences that can happen. I ask, is the risk worth it?

ADVANTAGES

Creating jobs and financial growth has always been a plus no matter who you are. If something going to create economic growth it usually makes everyone happy. According to the NEI (Nuclear Energy Institute), “The nuclear energy industry can play an important role in job creation and economic growth, providing both near-term and lasting employment and economic benefits. The 104 nuclear units in the U.S. generate substantial domestic economic value in electricity sales and revenue - $40-$50 billion each year - with over 100,000 workers contributing to production.
Worldwide, over 150 new nuclear plant projects are in the licensing and advanced planning stage, with 65 plants currently under construction. As a result, the years ahead will see a surge in demand for materials, components and services for the global nuclear industry. The Department of Commerce estimates the global market for nuclear products, services and fuel at $500-$740 billion over the next 10 years.
The U.S. Department of Energy projects that U.S. electricity demand will rise 24 percent by 2035, about 1 percent each year. That means our nation will need hundreds of new power plants to provide electricity to meet rising demand and replace aging infrastructure. Nuclear energy is the only proven technology that can provide emission-free, affordable baseload electricity...” - http://www.nei.org/resourcesandstats/documentlibrary/newplants/whitepaper/jobs

Another great advantages to is how much more energy it provides than other types of power plants. Here is a statement by the OPG (Ontario Power Generation), “One of these half-metre fuel bundles can provide enough electricity to power 100 homes for a year ... Nuclear power stations are able to produce tremendous amounts of electricity from a very small amount of fuel. A single 2.5 centimetre nuclear fuel pellet can produce the same amount of energy as 807 kilograms of coal, 677 litres of oil, or 476 cubic metres of natural gas.” - http://www.opg.com/education/kits/grade9student.pdf

DISADVANTAGES

As there are advantages, there are also disadvantages. This first one is a double whammy, Not only is a Nuclear Reactor core only have a life span of 30 to 40 years, but there are countries wanting to extend that 40 years to 60 years. Do I smell a problem in this that decision?

In an article from “Thomson Reuters is the world’s largest international multimedia new agency ...,” states, “By the end of 2022, 22 out the 58 reactors in France, the world's most nuclear-reliant country, will have been in operation for 40 years. In the absence of investment decisions, an implicit decision has already been made that commits France either to prolong the reactors' lifespan beyond 40 years or to quickly change the energy mix, which implies more investment," said the report on the costs of the French nuclear power sector.

By the end of 2022, 22 out the 58 reactors in France, the world's most nuclear-reliant country, will have been in operation for 40 years.

The report, published on Tuesday, said that if the reactors' lifespan was limited to 40 years, this would mean having to build 11 new-generation reactors by 2022.

"Putting in place such an investment programme in the short term is highly unlikely, even impossible," it said.” – Articles named “UPDATE 1-France must extend nuclear reactor lifespan-audit`

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/01/31/nuclear-france-report-idUSL5E8CV46820120131

As my second disadvantage is, although it doesn’t cause chemical waste, it does cause serious nuclear waste. There are 3 categories of waste, “Almost all manufacturing and industrial activities produce “waste”. The use of nuclear energy is no different, except that the amount of waste is small and, while potentially hazardous, it is very well managed. Radioactive waste is generally divided into three categories: low, intermediate and high, depending on the level of radioactivity. Low-level waste includes slightly contaminated clothing and items that could come from various activities, such as hospital departments of nuclear medicine, research laboratories, as well as nuclear power plants. Most nuclear waste falls in this category. Intermediate-level waste is typically items such as ion exchange columns from the cooling system of a nuclear power plant, which contain a higher level of radioactivity. High-level waste contains a large amount of radioactive material. The term is often used for spent fuel from a nuclear reactor. This is somewhat of a misnomer since the spent fuel has considerable potential energy, which many countries recognize by reprocessing the fuel from their nuclear power plants to be used again.” – says CNA (Canadian Nuclear Association) http://www.cna.ca/english/nuclear_facts/management/nuclear_waste.html

“The radioactive waste products from the nuclear industry must be isolated from contact with people for very long time periods. The bulk of the radioactivity is contained in the spent fuel, which is quite small in volume and therefore easily handled with great care. This "high level waste" will be converted to a rock-like form and emplaced
in the natural habitat of rocks, deep underground. The average lifetime of a rock in that environment is one billion years. If the waste behaves like other rock, it is easily shown that the waste generated by one nuclear power plant will eventually, over millions of years (if there is no cure found for cancer), cause one death from 50 years of operation. ... The much larger volume of much less radioactive (low level) waste from nuclear plants will be buried at shallow depths (typically 20 feet) in soil. If we assume that this material immediately becomes dispersed through the soil between the surface and ground water depth (despite elaborate measures to maintain waste package integrity) and behaves like the same materials that are present naturally in soil (there is extensive evidence confirming such behavior), the death toll from this low level waste would be 5% of that from the high level waste discussed in the previous paragraph.” - Bernard L. Cohen, Sc.D (Professor at the University of Pittsburgh) states in his articles RISKS OF NUCLEAR POWER http://www.physics.isu.edu/radinf/np-risk.htm

CONCLUSION

My position in all this is, I’m fore Hydro-Quebec and its safe, renewable, expensive ways versus nuclear power and its potential hazardous ways. All Nuclear Reactors have an expiry date. At some point in time each reactor core will have to be decommissioned and they will have to find new places to build newer power plants and eventually run out of space to build their plants and store their waste.

In today day in age, everyone is use to all the electrical gadgets that help make our lives easier and a way of making things be done faster in our fast pacing lives (example vacuuming carpets and floors versus sweeping). I doubt that people will be able to live happier using less energy especially since we have adjusted to our current way of life. I personally think that we (as a society) should either find better sources of power. For example: making solar panelling cheaper and available. I heard that in Ontario, that farmers are building solar panelling farms and that some residential people have solar panels. “Some farmers seem to be switching crops. Instead of growing wheat or corn, they're installing solar panels and windmills on their barns or even whole fields, creating "wind farms" and "solar farms", cashing in on the 6 cents per kW/hour that Ontario Hydro now pays. Some people are also supporting the idea of a new law that will make all new homes and new buildings required to have solar panels on them. These solar panels could provide extra power to the electrical grid, emergency power for the owners, and decrease the electrity shortage.” Stated on the website http://www.lilith-ezine.com/articles/environmental/The-Solar-Powered-Myth.html

They make a point not to use too much to be able to store the rest and give it to Ontario Power Generation Power Company and get a return in profit eventually paying back their investment.

For fun, I had checked out some YouTube videos about some ideas made by people that have many advantages and use the power behind the Hydro. Some that looked good was “Scale Wave – Power Station,” - http://youtu.be/fet4bCYvmLw claims that is “The world's first commercial-scale wave-power station has gone live off the coast of Portugal. This footage shows how the 140m-long snake-like devices work.” Another one is which my favourite the “Hybrid Bridge” is. “Hybrid Bridge produces energy from wind, waves and ocean currents. Different concept of including a floating bridge. Boats may pass over the bridge. The cars are running in an underwater tunnel.” - by http://youtu.be/TkaPjhYuPtQ These are just a few of the ideas, there are several others using the current under water to the power of the wave.

My position in relation to the ADVANTAGES is that I’m glad that it creates jobs and that a small amount of nuclear energy makes more electric energy, there are several other power station ideas out there that will still create jobs and make it a less dangerous environment for these workers to work under. I came up with at least 3 ideas where these workers can potential work. As for the amount of energy these naturally powerful sources of Mother Nature are much safer.

My position in relation to the DISAVANTAGES is that at some point in the life span of the Nuclear Power Plant it will have to be decommissioned. The costs of decommissioning are in the billions and although the ones in Canada save part of their profits to put towards it, but France don’t seem to have thought about that. In the Reuter articles from the website (
http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/01/31/nuclear-france-report-idUSL5E8CV46820120131 articles called “UPDATE 1-France must extend nuclear reactor lifespans-audit” ) is also states – “Greenpeace said the failure to make any investment decisions in the past is resulting at higher financial costs and putting the population at risk.” Which although it may have been a good cheap source they will have to find some deep pockets to help with the decommissioning if the EDF audits the process of letting them use the reactor till it is 60. With that said, why use a source of power that we have to relocate every couple of decades? When there are sources that can stay put. Regardless of the nuclear waste, we will eventually run out of space to put it. Use something that renewable and creates less waste like Hydro Electric or solar panelling.

I meant although there have only been 5 disasters, “Chernobyl, Soviet Union, Kyshtym, Soviet Union, Windscale Fire, Great Britain, Three Mile Island, United States, Tokaimura, Japan states http://news.discovery.com/tech/top-five-nuclear-disasters.html,” And now we have 6, with the Fukushima Disaster to add to it. How many more will there be until the point it finally looked at? Or maybe a better way to state this question is, how much damage needs to be caused before, it’s thought of as a dangerous source of energy?

I will admit that they make good power stations, by to me; it’s not worth the potential risk they can offer.

BIBLIOGRAPHY:

1 - https://canteach.candu.org/Info/Documents/CANDU%20-%20How%20a%20Reactor%20Works.pdf

Simple form of how we get power from a Nuclear reactor

2 - http://www.nrc.gov/reading-rm/doc-collections/fact-sheets/decommissioning.html

3 ways to decommission a Nuclear Power Plant

3 - http://www.nei.org/resourcesandstats/documentlibrary/newplants/whitepaper/jobs

Financial aspect of nuclear power plants. Creating jobs and amount of money it brings in.

4 - http://www.opg.com/education/kits/grade9student.pdf

Provides the amount of power in a small amount used versus other power sources.

5 - http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/01/31/nuclear-france-report-idUSL5E8CV46820120131

France having problems with decommission because they don’t have the money for it and they want to expand the life of the reactor. And now they want to extend the life from 40 to 60.

6 - http://www.cna.ca/english/nuclear_facts/management/nuclear_waste.html

Various types of nuclear waste and how it must be “disposed” of

7 - http://www.physics.isu.edu/radinf/np-risk.htm
ON radioactive waste

8 - http://www.lilith-ezine.com/articles/environmental/The-Solar-Powered-Myth.html

Farmers farm electric sources now like solar panelling and wind mills

9 - http://youtu.be/fet4bCYvmLw ideas of other types of power station – Scale Wave – Power Station

10 - http://youtu.be/TkaPjhYuPtQ ideas of other types of power station – Hybrid Bridge

11 - http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/01/31/nuclear-france-report-idUSL5E8CV46820120131

France did not set money aside to decommission their nuclear power plant when the reactor life span is up.

12 - http://news.discovery.com/tech/top-five-nuclear-disasters.html

Top 5 disasters not including the Fukushima Disaster

It's Been a While .... update

Well since I last chatted, I was going threw a hard time. It was tough to get back on my feet. From then to now, I have adopted the silliest 6 year old cat ever. She keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh a lot. I have a hard time adjusting to her daily waking up calls of wanting to be feed. She also hasn't adjusted to the noises in the house as well as my clumsiness. She's a nervous Nelly and she's sweet.

We bought a new living-room set. It's officially my favorite place to sit and type this to you, watch a movie or play the Wii or just having a cup of tea or hot chocolate and chatting with mum. It's quite cozy.

I started the PAB course. I would say it's the official course since it's recognized by the Quebec government. I've finished the theory, gained some new hilarious and fun friends and we're all on our 2 stage now. I'll be finished before Christmas. I plan to work most of new year, and take some night courses to update some things and once I have worked everything out go back to school and come out an RN (Registered Nurse). This is my backup plan.

My current plan as always has been to succeed in the Movie Industry. I have a review that needs to be filmed on a product. That should be up and ready by the end of this November month. I plan to finish the Profile script and sell it. I also have some skits that need to be edited and a Promo for my cousins wedding and final cut.

Helping me stay on track and with the hard times are my 6 boys on my Sunday visits. Their mom and I do things like have Wii (which is the only thing they want to do). We did crafts 2 weeks ago and went out trick-or-treating last weekend. I love them so much. The hardest part of the course I'm in was verbalizing what I want done after my death and my goodbye letter to everybody. They are my weekly pick-me-up.

I'm in the market looking for my guy and taking applications. There were a few that have caught my eye. However, I'm not giving them the my time, since they seem to have the word "player" posted all over each one and some are too shallow and it's not worth it. I'm not exactly sure how it's going to roll out but I will enjoy the road to get there.

Once I purchase it a Cardio DVD set I want called 10 Minute trainer by Tony Horton. I plan on writing journals maybe even YouTube it of my challenges and the process of getting into shape. I think it's the best idea since my normal stress reliever is driving my car with the music blasting. For those of you who don't know or have forgotten, I had to scrap my Baby girl in Dec 2009. She wasn't working properly and she was starting to cost a lot to keep her. I donated her to the Kidney foundation. I'm still trying to sell her winter tires. With that I have had to find another way to relieve the tension, toxins and stress. At the moment I'm using music to help but exercise will work a lot better.

My first stage, which was a Mental Health stage, dealing with aggressive behaviors and Mental Health Issues, started off really rough. The lady was so tough I broke down one day. On my way home, I promised I wouldn't let it happen again. I had the meaning lady on the floor and the girls in my group, noticed the boys were being favored. Now, the teacher seems to be picking on my friend. It's turning into a weird experience. Next one that starts on Monday is basic care. We'll see how that goes. I am disappointed that we don't get a Hospital (Acute Care) experience.

Extra plus side, I'll be helping to plan a Christmas dinner with my Cousin. I miss her so much. I'm glad that we stay in touch. I hope we always do. Also NKOTB (New Kids On The Block) will be sharing the stage with BSB (Backstreet Boys). I'm looking forward to that concert. I'm hoping it'll be towards the mid to end of 2011 so that I can save enough money to go see them in BC with my cousin. We had a blast at the NKOTB concert. It'll be a 4 for the price of 1 experience. Seeing my cousins place and new lifestyle, vacationing, seeing BSB and NKOTB and going to BC which I have not been yet. I'm so pumped and excited for it.

That's all for now, I'll try not to let such a lapse happen before I write again.

Take care everyone.

Let The Sunshine In

After 2 crazy months of what I would say was hell.  I call it that since moving away from Steve, 7 years ago, life a had a perfect uphill route.  I had my cat, which was my baby boy, a job that I was just starting and was going to start having a love life.  Even after the love life came ripping down, I bounced back very quickly.   Went back to school and starting working with Senior Residences with my mom in Saint-Hubert.

From there, we were on cloud nine for a while.  Paying of debts off that had been lingering, saving up money for another car.  Life was fabulous.  The little bullets that hit us until Dec 2009 were low blows.  From being scammed, car repairs, having our salaries reduced, going on unemployment for about a year and more car repairs were little nothings, looking back at them all now.  Those little blows, never prepared me for the last 2 months.  The first strike was having to scrap my car.

It was painful on 3 levels.  1-Fond memories and she was mine,  2- the great lifestyle of up a go, whenever wherever, no need to really plan around the STM transportation system.  Especially since, most of the out and about that I did, where usually either really far away or really late at night.  The people it allowed me to help out, go see and stay in touch with. Lastly, 3- She was my stress reliever.  At any point in time,  when I was stressing, I would get into the car, pump the sound up, and just drive, sometimes for hours.  It was amazing how therapeutic it was for me.  Then the dryer broke down again.  I’m not sure of the problem.  It isn’t that big of deal since we have found away around it. After I had gotten over that, which was simple, I kept thinking of how much good my car has done for the Kidney Foundation Canada, I donated it to them to scrap it for me.  I thought it was just about a matter of time before the universe would bring me a pick up.  It did.  I started working at Best Buy. 

About a few days in,  I realized I had lost the love I had once of being a cashier.  To the point that I despised it.  I would recommend anyone going to school, who loves electronics to apply at Best Buy.  Or if you have a very low budget.  Otherwise, forget it.  I can’t complain that much about Best Buy, from their concept of team work, jokes, the employees’ room and the pay, it wasn’t that bad. I was use to a higher pay and it was harder paying off the bills that month, as I usual do.  It helped to have our first ever, since Steve, family gathering, with the help of those that helped pay for things.  A good Christmas. After being fired, which was my delight, I wasn’t at all prepared for the month of January 2010.  Looking back,   being fired was the best solution.  There was no way I could have been in the condition to work.

January started off with a bang, the family gathering.  Those that came, little did they know, would be the last time we see my aunt Diane. As far as I was told, and could tell, everyone had gifts to bring home, and everyone had fun.  Three days later, my aunt went in to the hospital.  She never checked out.  The nurses keep my aunt on life support until her daughter Dawn, could get into town from Manitoba.  With her flights constantly being delayed.  She didn’t make in until early Wednesday morning.  Even in death, my aunt was giving.  She donated all her vital organs to those that needed.  That week, was mostly dedicated to my Aunt, as it should be.  From the funeral, wake and then the burial days after.  With very little sleep that we for all of us, that week somehow flew by.  Things seemed to be on a slow rise to the better, after aunt Diane was peacefully resting in her grave in D.D.O.

Until last week, I was awaken abruptly by my cat, having trouble breathing.  Filled with fear and panic, we rushed to find a way to get him to the vet as fast as we could.  By the time we had gotten him there, it was already to late.  I was already a wreck, when the chilling words, we have to put him down, came out of the Vets’ mouth.  I lost all sensation and luckily had a bench to break my fall.  I, already scared to watch someone who matters so much to me go from breathing to not breathing, it broke my heart, that I couldn’t be there in the room with him.  I’m glad that my mom was at least there.  He was what I assumed it would be like to have a son.  I was so proud of who he had become and how intelligent he was.  That was the worst day of my life.  After all this, I was at an all-time low. Already, discouraged from loosing 2 loved-ones, a car and struggling with my current life realities: how I got here and where it was heading to, my finances and my mum.

A few days after mourning the lost of my recent life experience, Squirt, I receive a phone call about a job interview.  As they began to tell the details of where to go, time and such,  I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Finally, I thought to myself.

My current plan, that I had made about a few weeks prior, was my back up plan.  While working the movie Production Business.  I needed a back up plan.  Staying as a PAB, I knew it was only going to get me so far. After talking to Emploi-Quebec, the decision was to go back to school to retake the PAB course.  It sounds weird but in order for me to be able to get into government facilities.  I needed a course of at least 280 hours in some cases.  Where as I have 105 hours course on my CV.  From there, I could go back to school and work part-time to become a Registered Nurse.  This work job would enable me to cut out retaking the course, which is a course of 6 to 8 months.  By getting this job, I can use the time that I would have been in the course for to save up money for school, as well as paying off my affairs, and maybe get another used but newer car. Instead of going into school already in debt and many unpaid bills, covered by more debt due to school loans and such.

So here, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Hoping it gets brighter. As I await to see how they analyzed my first interview, which was to see how well everyone works as a team, and see our personalities and how they would get along with their current staff. As I waited for them to let me know of the outcome, my mom and I, yesterday (the 1st of February) adopted a 6 year old female kitty.  Her name is Misty.  She once belonged to my mom’s friend’s mother.  Who then gave it to her daughter, Bev, and now, she is slowly adjusting to our home.  I can tell my mom already loves her, and it’s not because she has called her Squirty several times.  Misty is just so affectionate and loves to be petted.

Today, the 2nd, after getting home late last night and keeping a watchful eye on Misty. She is taking the transition pretty well. I noticed there was a message on the answering machine.  When I heard it, it was the guy from my interview telling me to call him back.  He didn’t leave much more of a message than that.  So I’m awaiting for 10 am to come up to give a call and find out what’s what.  My fingers are crossed hoping, praying and talking to the LOA for this to be my next step to getting the job.  I believe there are 5 steps and I can’t help but think and feel what the American Idols feel when they await to see if they have won the chance to the next audition.

So I’m hoping the sun will shine in from the other end of the tunnel.  I await as you do, for the next good thing that happens.  Even though there are still times, I catch myself crying over my lost, I know that my aunt wouldn’t want me to look back since her finally words to me  were, “… since I have to go, have fun for me ...”  I’m not sure what Squirt would have wanted, because I never understood a word he said.  However, I did understand certain tones in the meows meant things like, I’m happy, hungry, in pain, I’m angry.  I’m sure he knew how much I loved him,  Judging by what everyone else has told me, that they knew I would take it really hard.  I know he’s no longer in pain anymore,  and I hope he’s watching over me and is happy. Heck, may be he’s with Mittens and she is showing him the ropes on how things work where they are.

With that said, I need a tissue, I’m signing off until the next blog,

All the best.

R.I.P Mittens – Introduction to “My Little Man”

 

On October 31st, 1998, as my friends and I were getting ready to go trick-or-treating, one of my mom’s good friends came over, her name is Nicky.  With her, she brought 2 little bundles of joys, in hopes I would take one.

I believe that my mom knew that I was still grieving from the death of my cat, Mittens. Which is why she agreed to letting me keep both of them. We had a special bond, Mittens and I, even though, my mom was the one that trained her. I believe within her head, I was her baby.  It makes sense, I got her for my 2nd birthday.

It was suppose to be a surprise birthday gift from my Uncle.  My cousins ruined that surprise when I went to visit them, they at that time, lived across the street from us, I believe it was after school. I would stay with my Godparents and cousins until my mom would come pick me up. They were so happy for me; they thought I had already received her as my gift. They knew for my birthday I wanted a cat.  To their surprise, I had not yet received my birthday gift.  After finding out, I was so delighted, I got them in a ton of trouble as I couldn’t hold the excitement inside after finding out, I had my very own kitten. As well as, where was it hidden? When was I was going to get her?

I don’t remember much of those years but I remember a few things about her. She was very loving. She was my best friend and I would talk to her about my deepest darkest secrets as well as how my day went. I think, she thought, she was part human.  Maybe, that we were part cat?  She could be anywhere in the house and could sense when I was sad, lonely or angry. When she sensed this, she would come running and spend whatever time it took till I felt better.  During this time, she would snuggle with me until I would stop feeling sad, angry or lonely.

She was very protective of me. I remember moments when she would growl, while I was trying to sleep, at the people coming over. The most memorial moment, was when my cousins from across the street were over. The 3 of us were at the other end of the apartment, checking out my cat's kittens. We mimicked the kittens cries. We did it for such a long time that we pissed her off. She then became so violent, it scared the crap out of us. We all got up and went ran down the hallway in fear of our lives. We were so scarred of this cat that was not only much smaller than us but had no claws. It took a while, but she slowly came around and forgave me. After about 6 weeks, she got over it totally and I became her kitten, again. I still have some footage of her and use to have many pictures but since moving, I lost about 75% of the pictures that were taken. However, I do have a picture I drew of her after she past on, in her loving memory.  Drawing her helped with moving on.

I'll never forget the day; Mittens died. It was early that month of October of 1998. I had come home from a day fat High School. I’m unsure of how that day went; when I got home, I sensed something different in the air. I think even my mom knew. She had bought my about 6 of my favourite magazines and had given them to me to cheer me up. Which is what she only did when I was feeling down or depressed.
It was after supper, I was looking through the magazines. Mittens was acting out of character. My mom’s ex-husband and our dog were sitting watching TV. Mittens went to them first. Simba, the dog, and Mittens never really got along.  In this moment,  what they shared, was like saying goodbye, by rubbing their noses together. Next, the ex, he petted her. Afterwards, she came to my mom and I.  We were both sitting in the dinning room at the table checking out the magazines. She went to see my mom, she lied on my mom's pages as normal. My mom petted her a few times and she made her way to me. As she headed towards me, I sensed something was wrong with her, I just didn’t know what. Halfway across the table, I started petting her.  She sat and a certain length of time.  She got back up. She then headed towards the edge of the table to go back on the floor. Only it was too late, somewhere within that jump and attempt to jump, she had a heart attack. Usually, she lands on her feet but not this time. She landed on her back. As I saw her laying there, I screamed because she didn’t move. After that, everything gets hazy. I remember my fear of death, I couldn’t push myself to touch her and say a final goodbye.
From that point, I’m not quite sure, I remember gaps. I remember searching for the phone book to get a Vet that was open at that hour. I remember my mom held her in her arms, they went to the Vet at night. I don’t know how long they were gone but it felt like several hours. When they came home, they came home without her, it was then that it hit really hard.   Even those while she was just laying there; I guess, I didn’t want to believe it.  I think a part of me did know that she was gone.
The next day was a school day, I refused to go. I was so hurt inside to want to deal with other people at that moment. My mom told me I should. I forced myself to go to school.  All cried out with red blood shot eyes that were so itchy, I walked to school, hoping the redness and itchiness would go away. My friends knew something was up.  I didn’t want to talk about it.  It wasn’t until really close to lunch I broke down and I cried several times the remainder of that day, God bless, the people that were there during those times. It was a hard to get through.
I think my mom saw how hard it was for me, I grieved for about 2 weeks straight. Then Halloween night came along.

…. to continue this blog, please read “My Little Man” …

In Loving Memory - Diane Mooney Foley Sheehan

In Loving Memory - Diane Mooney Foley Sheehan

Happy New Year, everyone. Wishing you all the best in 2010. This will be short and sweet!

A letter From DAS PRODUCTTIONS,
Even though this year a just begun so much has happen. I apologize for not making time to write a blog.
Four days into 2010, Martin and I have lost a loved one. Martin, a mother, and that same person was my Aunt. She was a great inspiration to everyone in the family. It's still very hard to believe that she is gone. After everything was say and done, Martin and I, decided to use DAS Productions and make a memorial video. Not realizing the amount of interest we have in this video, we have recently decided to turn it into a documentary film. After the huge turn out at her funeral (about 100 plus people), it became clear to us that we are on the right plan. Even though she is not a celebrity she was very loved by her friends and family.
We will be sending out a sample video of anyone interested in helping. Everyone that helps their name goes into the already growing credits. This video is going to be put online as a sample of what's to come. We hope to have the filming done by the end of the summer 2010. Our goal is to put it online by the 1st anniversary the latest.

All the best
Martin Foley and Tara Sendel
DAS PRODUCTIONS

What A Week.

It has been quite the week.  An emotional roller coaster.  It has been very stressing. I noticed my life is getting into a negative aura that I must change back to positive.

I started my new job.  Training on Saturday was quite cool.  As I started, Monday all day getting to know the system, I had gone through the ups and downs of working there.  Trying to stay strong, while learning all these codes and the way the system works, I couldn’t help to think, “Wow, I don’t belong here".  As much as we need to the money, I bit my tongue and lived through all of the overwhelming events.  I spent most of my time apologized since I didn’t know the system.  When push came to shove I realized, I’m only here seasonally, and God bless that fact.  After,  getting really excited and then discouraged throughout the day, I came home exhausted.  If I were getting into the working environment, this would definitely be the place for me.  But I have grown, I am not into the whole “cashier” thing anymore.  Or at least, as much as I thought, I would be.  I longed for being an orderly.  Not for the rest of my life, until my business makes more than enough money to support my lifestyle with my mum.  I pray that Mr Pacelli find and remakes his residence soon.  I know I would already have the job and with the best boss and working environment ever!!!!

I have come to realize my place is at home, taking care of my mum.  The odds of me finding a guy here are slim, which helps.  I have not giving up, I know, he is not here in Montreal as a resident.  I have a better chance of hooking up with someone online, as tacky as that is.  No, offence to the people who have successfully found that certain someone online.  I have found one guy that seems to be interesting.  He lives in Ontario. As much as I am not a fan of the whole online dating thing, he somehow has poked through that wall I have created.

Back on topic, since my mom has been on dialysis, I find that she needs me even more.   I spend my days away from her, worried that she, all by herself, the slightest thing can happen since no one is with her.  I’m looking into ideas for having someone with her at times until we move into a more suitable place.  During her dialysis she is find,  however afterwards she gets very drowsy and needs to eat something.  I’m unsure if she  is too weak to get downstairs when I am not there to get the Paratransit bus.  When I’m there I have her sit in a wheel chair and we go back to the 1st floor to the car.  Once at the car, she gets out of the wheel chair and into the car.  She is my last bit of close family and I know that one day .. she will have to go, so I try to hold on to that as much as I can.

Another event,  I ended a friendship this week.  It ended ugly but it needed to be done.  After feeling bad at how badly it ended, I tried to befriend him again.  He wants nothing to do with me.  And as hard as it is to admit, I think it’s for the best. One thing he said that rings in my ears, is about how a mutual friend said that I go through friends a lot.  As much as she is right,  it hurt.  I then realized, sometimes it must be that way, we as people are all different and both change, life gets in and different scenarios happen that held us together and can makes us fall apart. There are friends I have today that I was never friends with from childhood. They are special people in my life.  I once heard on  TV talk show that their a friendships that start because of things in common and sometimes we grown as people and it’s no longer what holds us together.  There are friendship that don’t grow and with that they, the relationship dies.

Will we be friends again, I don't know. BUT …. it’s okay.

Going through the week,  I have to send my car in the scrap yard.   The only thing helping me is the thought of eventually getting another car. If you want to know more read my blog, “My Hot Wheels - “Babes”.” I haven’t done it yet.  It is something I have to have done by Friday.  I have been calling up different places to see what my options are as well as which is registered with the SAAQ.

Next, I received a letter from a CSSS (hospital) claiming I am not qualified to work for them and to take a 750 hours course to do what I already do.  Take a course, I have already finished.  In anger,  I am in the working process of writing them a letter.  With that letter, will not only include my CV again, but documents stating that I am qualified.  The only thing I have against me is the vaccination and my CPR card has expired.  But will be retaking that course and renewing my card in 2010.  And I'll have to get my H1N1 Flu vaccination to get back in that field.  As well as, I will be sending my CV to a residence to work there during the night shift.

I’m not a fan of the whole night shift thing, and I complained about it a lot.  It seems like the only thing my body know how to do.  Also it allows for the movie production business to be able to still work around a working schedule.  Whereas working as a cashier, they only wanted me for weekends.  I agreed to it to get the job but I won’t be able to keep it in order to do auditions and such.

Finally, today, with everything that was going on I was sure I was suppose to work on Thursday. It wasn't until, I check the calendar twice that around noon I realized that I was suppose to work today at 11 am. I called in telling them I couldn't make it today.  Which doesn’t look good for a new employee.   I was very close to completely quitting and everything before I made the phone call telling them I was suppose to work today but I mistaken it with Thursday.  It was my mom that helped me changed my mind. I guess for me at the moment it’s just easier to give up.  It would mean, with everything on my plate, I could take some things off it.  I am finding it hard, I admit it, I need some positive reinforcement to help me stay focused and motivated.  

My mom and I are looking into moving into low-income housing.   It’ll help us a lot to get things that need to be done as well as get us out of this apartment that is no longer suited for us. 

And that raps it all up.  I pray that even though this is just the middle of the week, the rest of it goes better.  Way better!

All the best.

2010 Ford Taurus

I'm wowed by the 2010 Taurus.  Even though I know the videos are for promotion. My favourite feature is the "my key" on this car.  I can lend my car out and control how fast you drive my V6 twin turbo chargers engine (only featured only the V6 Taurus SHO).  She totally on my next are list to choose from. :)

 

For those of you who know me, I love cars.  For that I could go on and on about this car. Only, just wanted to make my statement. 

Going to keep this post short and simple ;)

My HOT Wheels - “Babes”

When my mom and I first got away from the the grasp of the evil step-father.  I had one chance during the moving to get my licence.  If I were to fail, I would have to wait a while before the opportunity would present itself again.  Getting my licence for me was everything.  It’s a step in the direction of independence, in my eyes, security and safety, only that is another story.
Between successfully getting my licence on the first shot and getting my bike stolen; I knew that my next step was to get a car.  For reasons, I’m not quite sure of anymore, I had it in my head that I wanted my 1st car to be brand spanking new.  After much talk and chatter,  I realized that getting a much older car was the route needed to be taken, to not only to gain more experience on the road but to help me get to know certain things they don’t teach you when you’re learning to drive.  If you are asking, “What’s that?”  My answer to you is; Learning how to take care of the vehicle your learnt to drive. This is to help you not get screwed at the mechanics.  Again, that’s another blog all to it’s own.  I will write up in the future. 
It was then I believe she picked me more than I picked her.  My landlord's daughter was selling her 1996, Ford Taurus GL.  They parked her in front of my kitchen window where I stared at her day after day.  My landlord first approached my mom about the car.  I believe it was her idea in the first place.  When my mom and I had finished a long discussion about whether we should buy her or not, it was then that I realized that she was going to be mine.  A few days later, she was ours.
To many she is an old bag of clunk.   I didn't care cause she was mine.  I was so proud of her.  She was one of the family.  I named her, "Babes".
She gave us so much. many funny memories and also helped us out as always.  In loving memory of her, I plan on making her a mini video of her. She helps me stay focus and keeps me distressed. The only thing she was missing was a CD player.  Which I would eventually solve by purchasing an FM Transmitter.
I never took my car for granted. She is my release to staying focus.  I found out that when things aren't stable in my life, she helps me thru it.  She is my release for stressed.  This is was happens; something doesn’t go my way or something's wrong; I would get into my car, preferably at night, turn up the upbeat music and drive ... and then I would reach cloud 9.  It’s my heaven on earth. I would come back to a neutral state that would enable me to deal with whatever.  From a friend who a similar release technique recommends if I can't do it during the night, that is can be done during the day.  When going to my cloud 9 during the day, I would have to be on open country road and it helps. With my car's current problems, I have not been able to do “release” that I normally do.  So at the moment, I have to use my back up which is loud music and dancing and singing, which living in an apartment I do have to be careful the hours I choose to do this.
Within the next month, I must make a very important and vital decision.  I must choose to get rid of my Babes and cut my losses with her. Which makes me sad.  Or keep her.  :o)
After writing this blog the choice should be obvious .. “KEEP HER, TARA!”  There is much I must consider.  She has some repairs that need to be done.  I'm must admit, I am no mechanic, I have to evaluated the situation properly.  I have to repair the fan belt, get an oil change, have the winter tires put on (By Dec 15th, the law), a tune up and there is something else wrong, I think it's the alternator but it could be a mess of things.
I currently have no job.  I do have a temporary source of income.  It's limited to paying the necessities, until I get a job.  I don't know when that will be.  I do need a back up plan.  I always like having a back up plan.  My back up is by a certain date if I have no job; say goodbye to my Babes.
Your question maybe, "Tara, why can't you have your car and a job?"  There are a few extra thing I need to consider.  The registration is due on my vehicle this November. I’ll not going to be able to pay it on my current temporary income.  I’m so desperate for a job and keeping my car, I’m applying for general aid jobs and cashier instead of just PAB work. Due to a few financial things that have happened.  I have to be careful where I apply.  It can’t be too far away until I get my first pay which should be in a few days.  With Christmas coming up, I have to take that into consideration as well.
It is a big downer but I have to make a choice.  It will put my life on hold for a while since everything I do is a least a 30min drive from me.  I do pray that I can keep my baby girl. 
On the plus side, I know that if I do have to come with terms on things.  I know I love having a car.  It would only be a matter of time before I get another one.  The aim would be for the spring. The downfall for that scenario is the people on my street aren't the most careful people in the world.  Most of the scraps and scratches on my baby girl are due to them.  There are 2 of them that are my fault completely and then one (that I know of) is a retaliation of something I did to someone else.
Which is completely stupid.  This is what happened.  There was this lady living on the 3rd floor.  I live in the basement.  At the time, the apartment between us was empty.  I was working the night shift and I was trying to sleep during the day.  She has this son that had a burst of energy.  We suggested that she take her son to the park (she was on Final Financial Assistant, Welfare).  It basically sounded like she was playing fetch with her son.  You'd hear this loud plunk and then a whole bunch of running.  What was worst is it sounded as though she living above us. To make the story short, we got her kicked out after many warnings.  She wasn't impressed and thought she she take it out on my car.
In normal situation I would have been very hurt.  With her being an older model car, Babes gives me the sense of not needing to worrying about that.  Also, I already had a moment that hit hard.  I had my car for about 3 weeks or less.  I parked my car at my job downtown and was working the night shift.  On my breaks, I would walk to go sit in my car. As I put the key in my car,  I noticed my car and 4 other cars driver side mirrors were purposely broken off.  It was done by drunk people, I know this, being the side mirror was parked safely on facing the sidewalk.  I guess it wasn’t that safe.  That was my break down and I wouldn't let that feeling of hurt happen again. I took it so purposely like people have nothing better to do then use their own money to repair thing on a car that isn’t even their fault.  When the chick from upstairs keyed my car, I shrugged it off and got into the car and drove off.
Getting a newer car (still 2nd hand) but closer to the 2009 as possible, I worry about the people scratching my newer vehicle which it hurt.  It will cost money since I haven't repaired any of the body damage on my Babes.  I didn't think it was that worth it seeing the lack of care on the street I work on. It would cost a fortune.  With a newer vehicle, I just may have to make those investments to get my car to stay nice looking.
With all that said, I'm on the fence about my car.  Regardless whether I get rid of her or not, I still plan on getting another vehicle.  Only the newest addition to the family will be parked near a friend in about 20 minutes drive from where we live (if we have 2 cars).  With one car, I’m still not sure what I’m going to do about that.  Her name will be "Be-belle," and I'm hoping it will be an SUV BMW X5 hopefully blue. She will have a CD player (hopefully MP3 compatible) and a sunroof or a moon roof. 
Still seeking a date to which I will have to follow thru with my car decision, I’m still hoping I can keep my Babes.  Keeping my fingers crossed, praying and trying to stay positive about it.  Regardless, this did feel like a good release.  Thank you for reading.

All the best.

Wedding Video Edit

A “Wedding Video Edit” is my next challenge,  my cousin and her high school sweet heart got married a couple of years back.  She drove all the way to Montreal and had the whole event here; her hometown.  I know that she did it to have the whole family back together again.  That has been a goal her and I have been talking about for a long time.

I’m hoping to have the edit done by Christmas.  It’ll be my Christmas gift to her and her hubby, from Martin and I.   She already knows about it since I asked her permission to have DAS Productions to have full credits.  Her one condition was she could have a copy of it.  It was then that is was agreed.

I’m a little nervous.   I’m about to face my biggest challenge so far.  It’s a challenge because most of our editing jobs are scripted; we have an idea as to how it’s going to be edited and that’s really easy.  We get to look at the script to guide us through the editing process. This, this has no script to it.  It has the beginning, middle and an end.  It’s laid out like every wedding.  You go, you say I do, you get your pictures taken, you go to the reception and you have a bunch of comments from people.  There is no footage of her getting ready.  However, I am going to have to inquire about that.  The mark of their beginning. I know this comes across as very rude the way I worded it.  I’m just saying I want this wedding to stick out.  For people she shows be wowed by our work.  It’s already in order, I just have to cut it to make it look like the most flawless day of their lives.  With it being shot from 2 different cameras, I have this idea of going from one camera to the other throughout the “I dos”. I was there, so I have an idea of what went on.  It helps and I have some tricks up my sleeve as to how I’m going to do everything. I’m having trouble figuring out how I’m going to do the reception and the interviews to make it looks graceful and nice.  I may have to do some research online as well as dig out my mom’s wedding video for ideas or back up ideas.

If you are reading this, you are probably wondering, “She was married a few years ago, why are you editing now?”  That is a great question.  The answer is simple.  My cousin slash co-owner of DAS Productions, filmed with 2 cameras.  Martin, the co-owner of DAS Productions, filmed his sister’s wedding with our Uncle Gordon at the other camera.  I have over 5 hours of footage to play around with.  Martin didn’t have the technology we have today to be able to edit it properly.  With the investment we made in March 2007 of purchasing a laptop.  This laptop has a Movie Editing feature on it that allow us to edit to the millisecond.  I will be upgrading it in the future to have access to all the gadgets and tools that are available when you upgrade it.  It gets the job done, for now. 

I haven’t seen all the footage, I still have to go pick it up to refresh my memory as to what in detail happened. As reference I plan on writing part as a script to help me stay focus as I watch everything several times. I plan on asking some advice to my dearest friend slash cousin Stephanie. 

She’s been studying a lot about marriages.  She been planning hers for a while.  Picking everything out, which is a great time saver for when it does happen.  She at one time wanted to become a “Wedding Planner.”  Had she decided to go down that route, she would have made an excellent one.  Which is why I need her experience for a video perspective.

I haven’t told her yet, I was going to wait until Wednesday (October 28th, 2009) when were were going to meet for coffee.  If she reads this before hand then she’ll know in advance.  :)

This video will have a happily ever after …

My Little Man

… continued from R.I.P  Mittens …

When those two kittens came along I was pretty sure that me and the female would get along better than, I with the male.  I never had a male cat.  My mom let me keep both of them; it would be the beginning of a long journey.

A journey, I was excited and nervous for the first couple of months.  Knowing my little bundle of joys, Squirty  and Cuddles were depending on me.  I was nervous for they were my babies that I would train, where as my mom, trained Mittens.  Depending on my techniques and how I went about it; would eventually equal the cats they would become some day.  It put a lot of pressure on me since I was bringing up not just one, but two.

By the time I was old even to remember her, Mittens was already grown up enough for me not to have to expect things from her.  She would just act upon instincts.  She as also affectionate.  This may have been why I found having Squirty so hard, I had to teach him, I never really expected that.  And when I was sad, I would expect him to fill the gaps Mittens left open.  I had to start over with him from scratch.  The hard thing was I didn't know how, I didn't have mother instincts at 16 and I never had a male cat so I was really blind sighted to the situation.  But I think in the end, it helped me with my mom during her time in need. 

Cuddles was the good one where as, Squirtness, was my little bad boy, causing problems.  I wasn’t the tidiest person being a teen but I was very much into making sure there was no bacteria anywhere.

If you ever popped by my house and Squirt was using his litter box and wondered why he would stay in the litter box for about 15 to 20 minutes after had gone was when he was younger, he was traumatized by something I did to him. When he was a kitten, he would use the litter box and no cover whatever exited his body.  He would then walk through it and want to come on my pillow tracking whatever he walked through onto my pillow.  Being a teen, I was scared to get any in my hair and rush Squirt to the bathroom.  He, back then, could fit in one hand.  I put him in the sink and with warm water washed all his paws.  Little did I know, he remembered this and never did it again.

I won’t lie, it was hard training him, I often wondered how people who have babies do roughly the same thing I was trying to accomplish.  I’m not putting down bringing up kids.  At the age of 16 and bringing up a kitten, I felt like a teen mother.  I had never had that responsibility so I often wondered if I was doing everything right.  From Mittens, I expected it since she already knew me inside and out.  During the the hard times, I sometimes felt I didn’t like my Squirty, and once even hated him.  Not because of who he was but of the lack of wisdom he had, because of my own frustration during training times.  After a few months went by, and he started getting to know his name and what “no” meant it became easier.  Being a teenager bringing up a couple of kittens was an interesting experience, there were things Squirty and I would do, we would test each other with.  He would claw my nose in the morning to wake me up in his tender years.  He learned real fast that’s not how you wake me up.

As time when on, Cuddles became very independent and was good at being good and needed no one or help she caught on quite fast.  It was during this time that Squirt and I without realizing it developed a connection, during my constant focus on training him.  Cuddles didn’t need me and Squirt did, I couldn’t help but feel the need to need him as well.  It’s about that time I would fight and protect, my little man.

For those of you wondering,  I called him “Squirt” that due to a phase I was going through where I would call everyone I knew Squirt.  Having a kitten, I figured it would help me get out of that phase.  Which it did.  Little would I know, he would live up to it by not only marking his territory in the year to come but have several grandkids. As the years went on those are most of the where my memories were held with him.  He knew when I was angry and when I meant business.  He never messed around with me.  He knew I would always defend him even if he was him at fault.  As the year went on, other names were made, like Squirty (this is the most famous one) Squirtness, Sweety, baby, little one, my little man, and fur ball.  Which he knew all of them quite well. Mister and “Furry Butt out of here”were his angry names for him, when I was mad at him.

Even though we weren’t related, I saw a lot of me in him.  He was very mischievous, sassy at times and often into no good.  A bully  and wanted to be King to the other cats in the house.  I’m not sure how I did, but he always respected me.  He learned that it’s okay to nibbled if I did something wrong or hurt him but biting was not tolerated. 

He had weird fetishes.  Like stealing my elastics and jewel.  To be spiteful, chew on my earphones wires or anything that may be useful to me.  He always amazed me on how intelligent he was but stupid he would pretend to be sometimes.  How he would need to smell everything I ate whether I knew he would want a piece or not.

There were also fearful moments,  when his eye got infected.  After seeing many Vets telling me different stories I gave up on it.  Some would go as far as telling  me it was cancer.   He then got very sick,  I took him to a new Vet in which they gave him fluids, penicillin and some other drugs.  Next couple of days his eye cleared up and he health was back to normal.

My favourite story would be the one where in the morning he would somehow get himself caught on those plastic PC reusable bags.  All you saw, was this bag running down the hall, around my moms bed and all over.  It was so funny, even though I feared something was wrong like he was choking.

He had this way about him that he had to announce when he would come in or when he felt he should wake me up.  For nothing at all ,just for his own fun.

He would often be able to sit there, like a status and look like the furniture.  It was scary cause he wouldn’t move like in the photo below. It wasn’t all fun and games, there are a few times he scared the crap out of me. 

He was in the window, to the house, in my room, in the basement. I went upstairs for something only to come back down and find no Squirt.  Scared, I started calling him.  In the distance, I would hear his voice.  So I walked to the other side of the basement, only to notice his voice is quieter.  I went back into my room, all the while calling him, to notice the window’s screen is open, we lived on a busy street and not long before this happened I had witnessed a friend of mine’s cat hit my a car on that same street further down.  As I ran to the window, I see my poor kitty stuck in the tree. He was chasing a squirrel and got stuck.  Hanging on for dear life to the bark with all his claws out, meowing in fear.  I instantly ran outside and save my baby,and hugged him as I brought him back inside and firmly closed all the windows downstairs.

He would let me do almost anything to him, from hugging him to dressing him up.  In the end, he ended up being the very cat that I would hope for.  He even became affectionate and cuddly.

I will never forget the day he died.  He was fine.  Healthy and happy.  At least, to the eye. After being up exceptionally late, we decided we would sleep in the next day.  We woke up to Squirt walking in the room announcing his arrival as usual.  The only thing that wasn’t normal was the way he meowed, as though in pain.  A Vet once told me that cats’ conceal their pain, so the pain they are actually feeling is much worst when they start to vocalizing it.  With the pain he was experiencing, he was also having trouble breathing and with that he was very scared.  When I noticed something was wrong, I didn’t aid the situation as all I freaked out.  If you couldn’t realized how scared he was when he was able to pull up enough air to vocalized it, you could see if in his eyes.  Searching for a mode of transportation and contacting his Hospital, we were running out of time.  We called a taxi and got him to the Vet.  By the time the Vet was ready to see him,  it was already way too late.  The vet gave me the following opinions:  get blood samples and x-rays or put him down. Because I not longer had the voice of reason, and was panicking, I could not think clearly.  The Vet explained, by the time they get all the results, saving him would be out of the question, since he was already turning blue.  My baby was dying a horrible death.  I helped him to relax as best I could.  I’m sure by the look in my eyes he knew what I had to do. I had to make the awfully, painful decision to put him down. 

I want to thank my mom, for being the strong one for a change when I was weak.  Helping me thru that whole day and the hours that have proceed it.  I have no idea what would have changed had her constant, “Tara, calm down for Squirty’s sake so you can think clearly”, had not been there.  To have her shoulder to cry on the remainder of that day and the days that had followed.

Throughout the day I cried, as expected, went through the “what ifs” and tried to think of ways that may make him still alive today.  Regardless that it wouldn’t had changed a thing. I could barely get a sentence out all that day on the 25th of January, 2010.  It was tough accepting the fact that he was alive this morning and dead now.  That he had died just as shockingly as my Aunt Diane but a few week shy.  All still happening on a Monday.   It is way to close together for my comfort.

It’s amazing the routine I was in, I only noticed now that my baby is gone.  I often find myself, looking for him, about to call him for something, see how he’s doing or move things around in fear he would get it and break it on me. The images of his final hours still hauntingly play in my head.  How tough it is not seeing him make his grand entrance that he would make.  Or when he would just come to snuggle with me for a while before we doze off for the night.

Still this journal once started as a celebration in October 2009 of having him for yet another year, his birthday, only to end up being his life story, leaving me behind, his mother, heartbroken and sad. Only to watch over me from above.

And yet this verse comes to mind helps me, something recited at my Aunt Diane’s Funeral, a few weeks ago:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

You’ll always have a piece of me.  I love you, my baby, Squirty.  I will miss you, My Little Man, my love.

R.I.P  my Squirty

~In Loving Memory of Squirty~

October 31st, 1998 – January 25th, 2010